I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
