I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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