guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
