I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
