I hate your face
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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