My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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