im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
