Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
