you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
