i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
