dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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