That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
