is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
