I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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