If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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