Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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