He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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