Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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