So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
