My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
