You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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