I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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