when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
