Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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