I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
