saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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