Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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