The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
