I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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