if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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