I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
