Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize