Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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