I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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