Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize