did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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