Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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