Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize