this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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