His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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