I met the friendliest cop last night
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize