How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
