I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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