two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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