Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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