I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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