It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize