mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
