You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
