so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
