I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
