Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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