There was a lot of him and a little penis
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
