idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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