Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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