addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
