plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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