dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
