So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
